May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have Yet another position exactly where American Males can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: supply Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head visible from House, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests may possibly ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down provider."


A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *